My heart hurts today

Some days are simply better than others and today has been one of those bad days. I miss my son so much today that it hurts to breathe. I feel some days the wait is endless and yet we've only had his referral since May 9th. I admit, I am selfish and want my son home. I get asked all the time if I am a mom to which my answer is yes, then proceeded by, but my son is in Guatemala - waiting for me. He needs to be here with us - in his forever home. I miss his smile, the innocent and pure way he smells especially after bathtime, his little noises, his little feet, his nose - just everything about him. He truly is our gift from God. I was truly amazed during our second trip by the realization that a person so small as Gabriel can light the room up in a way I have never seen. And as soon as we gave him back, you could truly feel his absence everywhere.

I am very thankful that he does not know all that is going on and how we have to wait to bring home. All that will be a blur to him. From what I hear, it will be a blur to us once he is home. We just have to get there.

All I know is that as much as I wondered what kind of mother I would be, I know that this sweet little boy makes me a better person. I really do not remember what life was like before May 9th, 2007. Gabriel has added such meaning to our lives that I cannot even put it into words. People ask me how can I be so strong to go and visit him and then leave him behind. The answer is pretty simple. I do not have much of a choice. I have a job and home in FL, but my heart is in Guatemala right now. When those two worlds come together, I will be doing much better. Right now, I just continue day to day working towards the final prize. And what a prize he is!

Sunday

Tomorrow we begin week 9 of our wait for PA - Preapproval. I pray it comes very soon so that we can enter PGN!

Gabriel, not a day goes by where your father and I do not think of you and pray that you are home with us. You are our heart. our world. our everything. Without you, we are nothing. We love you sweet little Gabriel - with all our hearts.

When will Gabriel be home?

**Disclaimer** I felt the need to add this as an after thought. We don't mind when people close to us ask us this. We mind when it is someone who doesn't know us well at all asks. There's a very big difference. Of course we want to share our adoption news with people, but we have a limited list of people we keep updated. I'm sure you understand. If you're reading this blog, you're on the list of people closest to us.

For those who faithfully read my blog, you all know not to ask an adopting parent this question. There are certain questions you just don't ask, but not everyone seems to understand that unfortunately and the deeper you get into the adoption, the more it bothers you. You don't ask someone how much they make, how much they paid for their house, if they plan on having children, etc. This is along the lines of one of *those* questions.

The further into the adoption we get, the more this question really annoys me, personally. I know people "mean well", but by asking this after being told not to keep asking, it gets very, very old.

Only God knows when Gabriel will be home.

I miss you terribly

This evening has been rough. My heart hurts so much without you, Gabriel. All this will be a blur to you, thankfully, but your dad and I miss you so much. Not a day goes by where I don't think of you. You are my first and last thought every morning and night. I wish time would just move faster so we could bring you home right now. Unfortunately, it does not work that way and we have to be patient. There are days like today, where I just tire of being patient. Yes, I'm selfish. I want you home right now.

I have friends who complain about missing sleep because they have to wake up with their babies late at night to feed them - I would trade with them in a second if it meant I could have you here at home with us, where you belong.

Just us....

Well, we are back to our normal life....well, as normal as it can possibly be considering our son is miles away in another country as we sit and wait for our adoption to progress. But yes, we are back to our lives here in OP. This is all really a waiting game. Some wait more, some wait less. But in all the waiting, I remind myself of this scripture:

Phillipians 4:6-7
"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

I have faith that God will see us through this no matter how long we have to wait. Only He knows exactly when Gabriel will be coming home to his forever family. So I lean on Him for all my strength ~ it is the only way to survive on this journey.

Pix of our July trip

Here are the pix from our recent trip to Guatemala! Enjoy!

share.shutterfly.com/action/welcome?sid=8CYuHDRqxbsci

Good news!!

We are out of family court!!! We found out on Monday while waiting for our bags at the Ft. Lauderdale airport!! This is great news! Now, we just wait for pre-approval! This will come from the American Embassy. We are ending week #7. Normally PA takes 11-12 weeks. So we shall continue to wait some more....

Well.....we're back

Coming back is always so difficult. I'm at work today but feel so distant from everything and everyone around me. It is as if the world is turning but I am standing still. We miss little G so much it hurts. If you're wondering what it feels like - I compare it to being breathless and/or having the wind knocked out of your lungs. But instead of it lasting a brief moment, it lasts much longer. I still have to upload pix, but here are two of them from last Thursday when we received him. Those smiles you see in the picture were left behind. They didn't quite make the trip back to Jax with us.

That's all for now...I don't have much in me today but sadness and longing for our little boy.

Heartbroken

We handed Gabriel back today at 3:30pm (Guat time) and to say I am heartbroken does not even begin to describe what we all feel right now. There is a huge hole in our hearts and we simply cannot wait to get on the plane tomorrow and go home. Our reason for coming has now ended and it is time to go home. I am sure we will be in a fog the rest of the week especially at work. All that matters is bringing that sweet baby boy home --quickly before my heart breaks for good.

Greetings from Guatemala!

Well, here we are on Saturday morning checking email while my parents watch little G for awhile. He has changed a lot since we last saw him at 2 weeks old. He is definitely awake more often and loves to watch tv. He pays attention to colorful items, sounds and smiles a lot. To say that he is the light of our lives does not really do it justice. Gabriel is the best thing that has ever happened to Greg and I.

We do not look forward to 3pm on Monday when we have to hand him back to his foster mother, but we know he is very well taken care of. Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers around 5pm EST on Monday because I know it will not be easy. I have made sure to take a lot of pictures to capture all his cute and adorable moments so that I can relive them a lot once we get back home. Until Monday afternoon, we will continue to cover him in lots of hugs and kisses so that he knows his mommy and daddy love him very much.

We made it!

Hi everyone...we arrived around 7pm local time last night, exhausted but thrilled to be in Guatemala! The airport in Ft. Lauderdale was a sheer nightmare, but that is all behind us. We picked up little G this morning and all is well with him! He has gotten bigger and believe it or not, cuter! Thanks again for all your well wishes!

Travel day has arrived!!!!!!

Well, we arrived safely in Ft. Lauderdale last night. Today we are just relaxing and waiting for 2pm to arrive so we can leave for the airport! Tomorrow at this time we will be having breakfast and waiting to meet Gabriel again at 10am (Guatemala is 2 hours behind EST). We cannot wait!!!!!! Thank you for all your well wishes and prayers during our journey! They are much appreciated.

xoxo
Maria

Gabriel's 2 Month Doctor's Visit

Well, we finally got our doctor's report last night!!! He went in for his appointment yesterday to see Dr. M. He went from 7lbs, 8oz to 9lbs, 14oz!! Here are some pictures of his checkup yesterday!!

Purchased Gabriel's Sling!

I went yesterday and bought little G his sling. I can't wait to put him in here! Below is the link of the pattern I ended up getting. I'll be sure to take pictures of what he looks like tucked in there nice and cozy.

http://www.hotslings.com/s.nl/it.A/id.268/.f

"A watched pot never boils..."

I have been checking my email so many times in the last week that I think Yahoo might start charging me for my account. I am waiting on Gabriel's doctor report from Dr. M to find out if he has gained any weight from his last appt in June. It should arrive anytime soon. I shall continue to stalk my email until it comes...that and waiting on our exit from FC - family court and PA - preapproval from the American Embassy.

Here's the exact email we received from our case manager on 6/26/07:

I just received an update and wanted to just let you know where we are. We are waiting on two things.

1. Exiting family court - normally happens 3-6 weeks after the last interview not counting holidays.

2. Preapproval - normally comes 9-10 weeks after DNA collection. The last preapproval we received was for a case that had DNA collected on April 10. It came on June 18.

After you are out of family court and we have your preapproval, then your file can be prepared for PGN.

Regarding #1, our last interview was completed on 6/4. So we begin the countdown from that week. Regarding #2, DNA collection was also on 6/4. So for exiting FC we are looking at sometime in July. For getting PA, we are looking at the beginning of August.

We are finishing up Week 5. Week 6 begins on Monday.

So we continue to pray and wait. It is all we can do.

Happy 2 months!!!!

Gabriel turns two months old today! Happy Two-month-a-birthday, sweetheart! We will be there soon to see you and simply cannot wait to cover you in hugs and kisses!

To do list...

So you might ask what we need to bring with us for our trip next week. Here is my list...

To Buy:

1. colic drops
2. fold out changing pad sheets
3. baby cologne for after bath
4. wipes
5. bottles
6. 2-3 pacifiers (Pooh Bear kind)
7. baby wipe warmer (Gabriel doesn't like cold wipes)
8. towels to wipe his face while eating
9. bath bear sponse insert for bath time

To Pack:

1. Passports
2. Reservation print outs for flights/hotel
3. medicines (tylenol, pepto-bismol, immodium, gas-x, midol, etc.)
4. snacks (rice cakes, peanuts, bars, WW pretzels, etc.)
5. DVD player
6. camcorder
7. digital camera and extra SIM card
8. ipod travel speakers
9. front carrier for Greg
10. boppy
11. his blanket
12. new baby clothes
13. extra set of contacts
14. eye glasses
15. *zippies from other FTC families

*Zippies are one gallon zip lock bags that other adoptive mothers from my agency pre-pack and send with travelers going to Guatemala so that we can give them to the foster mother manager for their baby. The foster mother manager makes sure that the corresponding foster mother receives the zip lock bag. Normally mothers send down additional clothes, disposable cameras, pacifiers, etc. The disposable cameras are then returned later on by the foster mothers. They are able to take pictures of the babies and then return them to the adoptive mothers. It is definitely nice to receive those back with captured moments on there that as an adoptive mother you can cherish those moments greatly. Sending stuff to Guatemala is very expensive and takes a long time. It's much easier to send it down with someone who is going.

Sound like a lot? Nah, we took much more down with us back in May. Three army duffel bags and one suitcase! This is nothing.

Consignment shopping!

So this weekend I went to three consignment stores searching for baby clothes! I found such amazing stuff! I was very surprised. I bought Gabriel two bags of clothes, socks and hats for less than $40! I even found him a little Yankee outfit which of course I had to buy and it only cost me $1.00! I wasn't sure what I could find at the store, but it turns out a lot of the clothes they have there was worn either once or not at all. Some even had the original tags on them! So it pays to shop around!!

Wraps, slings, carriers???

Ok, so last time we went to Guatemala, Greg and I purchased a sling for me thinking it would work *perfectly*. We didn't factor in that I am 5'0. So when I tried the thing on in the hotel room, it reached below my pelvic area. Not ideal when carrying a two week old infant. So then I was introduced to the Maya Wrap. I am going tomorrow to meet with a rep in our area that sells these. I am most likely getting the Mama Baby sling in navy blue. We will still rent a stroller, but I like the idea of having Gabriel close to my chest. This will work perfectly especially since they have various sizes, especially for petite ladies like me!

Here's their link: http://www.mayawrap.com/

Here's the one I'm might be getting: http://www.mayawrap.com/viewItem.asp?ItemID=100005&UnitCde=1&Desc=MamaBaby%20Sling&Search=N

Someone just recommended Hot Slings to me. I am also going to check these out and see which I like better. I am leaning towards the Hot Slings now! Ohhh decisions!!

www.hotslings.com