Monday, July 30, 2007

My heart hurts today

Some days are simply better than others and today has been one of those bad days. I miss my son so much today that it hurts to breathe. I feel some days the wait is endless and yet we've only had his referral since May 9th. I admit, I am selfish and want my son home. I get asked all the time if I am a mom to which my answer is yes, then proceeded by, but my son is in Guatemala - waiting for me. He needs to be here with us - in his forever home. I miss his smile, the innocent and pure way he smells especially after bathtime, his little noises, his little feet, his nose - just everything about him. He truly is our gift from God. I was truly amazed during our second trip by the realization that a person so small as Gabriel can light the room up in a way I have never seen. And as soon as we gave him back, you could truly feel his absence everywhere.

I am very thankful that he does not know all that is going on and how we have to wait to bring home. All that will be a blur to him. From what I hear, it will be a blur to us once he is home. We just have to get there.

All I know is that as much as I wondered what kind of mother I would be, I know that this sweet little boy makes me a better person. I really do not remember what life was like before May 9th, 2007. Gabriel has added such meaning to our lives that I cannot even put it into words. People ask me how can I be so strong to go and visit him and then leave him behind. The answer is pretty simple. I do not have much of a choice. I have a job and home in FL, but my heart is in Guatemala right now. When those two worlds come together, I will be doing much better. Right now, I just continue day to day working towards the final prize. And what a prize he is!


Esther said...

Maria, I just wanted you to know that I am praying for you. I miss my Avaree terribly, as well. It just doesn't seem right that our hearts have to endure this pain in the absence of our babies. You are not alone and I am here anytime you need to vent, cry...we will get through this with the help of our Lord Jesus. Be encouraged, Esther (FTC)

Frank said...

Maria & Greg, Dianne and I enjoy reading about that precious gift from God, Gabriel. The pictures are adorable and we cannot wait until we hear those great words that you and Greg are on your way to truly bring Gabriel home to Florida.

mesa said...

praying for your heart to stay full with the memories you've made so far and the hope to make more memories soon with your son in your arms forever. ♥ much love and prayers,

pattyo said...

I know the answer to the question "how do you do it?" is that you have no choice. But I think what people are really asking is, "How do you carry on while you wait for Gabriel to come home with such grace and caring and love?" Maria, you're amazing. It's okay to tell us you're hurting and miss him - you don't ever have to be "strong" for us. You're strong enough. I love you. xoxoxo

Anonymous said...

Oh, Maria (HUG). Everyone else has said it so eloquently already. I am keeping all of you in my thoughts and prayers, and I am always here for you!